Three Months in Marriage: A Learner’s Diary!

The boss & her boy

May 15th, 2020- Its three months of marriage already, and I have probably emptied all my pre wedding ideas. I had so many ideas of how to make marriage work, but I must agree with this fact, we all learn in the process.

I know we do tik-tok videos, and all, those are the easy parts fam

 My initial plan was to write about a couple of my marriage experiences every month, but I had to think about what my boundaries will be, things I can say, and things I cannot say, and be sure I do not go beyond those defined boundaries in an attempt to be artistic, this is important because unlike me, wifey is extremely private and she is a principal player here

I am not trying to share lessons here, so hard to share when you are in a learning process as well, but I am putting it down to guard my process. I am here wondering what my write up will be in three years, or in 30 long years which I don’t know yet, but I plan to keep writing. I intend to see how I evolve, how we evolve, how my understanding of it grows as the journey shapes up.

One of the errors intending couples make is the fact that they do not have the right conversations before marriage, the hard ones maybe. I will not say we had a lot of such too, but we had a couple of them. We agreed on possible number of kids, We agreed on non-exclusiveness of roles in running the house, a part of me knew one role would not work, but I will not say, enemies who know me well know what that part is already, but I am getting better. We were not going to have a joint account- ko le werk. Most of the big issues we probably talked about, the real issues as I later found out in marriage, we did not touch, and here are my first lessons in the three months as taught by wifey:

Wifey’s reaction to an issue is hardly same– I have had to learn this the hard way, I have said some on the edge jokes that ended as banter, and another time, same joke earned me a decade of “I am sorry” I have learnt to watch the mood and ride with it. I have also learnt to reduce the frequency of calling Nicki Minaj my crush, or extoling Kehinde Bankole, it does not matter if I have never seen or may never see them. She is however allowed to have crushes like Anthony Joshua, or call Adekunle Gold “boo”, and some few other tall super stars- but is anything fair in marriage?

I cannot face my phone and be laughing when she is on the other chair watching- This looks like a basic rule, and I wonder why it took me forever to figure it out. I hardly get reactions when I do it. My usual loud smile maybe on account of chatting with a friend, or an update. But I have found out that the reactions I get by trying to have a conservation after finding joy on my phone are hardly palatable, sometimes I get no reaction at all. Or the iconic response “Are you tired of your people on twitter or Instagram”

The phone that puts me in trouble on a steady

I cannot stand while watching a football match/TV– Now this was a surprise. My wife believes a person should be comfortable in his house, so she cannot understand why I stand in front of the TV while there are empty chairs. Honestly, sometimes I just had moments in matches that I found interesting and forgot I was standing. I can forget, she does not. And when she tells me the first time or the second, I should sit if I like myself. I hope there is no young man trying to go into marriage because he wants to be a boss, marriage will humble you

Phrases from a forgiven sin can come up during another sin- Haha, I think I found it interesting that the fact that you have been forgiven a sin does not mean lines from that sin can not come up again during another sin. Every time it happens, I am always saying “but you said you have heard when I said I was sorry” then she responds with, “I am just saying”

Actually, I think you are better off when you commit little sins in marriage, or commit several, that way she will be forced to hold on to the important ones. hahaha

One moment of absent mindedness can spoil a good moment– we could be gisting about something, having a good time, then I remember something, then  I pretend to be in front of her while I had switched off momentarily. Sometimes I get away with it, sometimes I do not. If she noticed and asked a question that I could not answer- o ti pari niyen. So, I have learnt not to spoil every good moment by trying to carry the weight of the world. The world can wait outside, she is the only one that matters at such points

We are out of milk, we need to get it at the store is never the truth- we have never gone out and returned with the exact things we set out to buy, we always got more. I found this annoying at the start because I was a disciplined person when it comes to going to the supermarket. If I planned to buy milk, no matter what the stores displayed, I would walk away, but wifey, it is when we are done with our actual mission that she starts shopping, sometimes I just stay at a point and let her do her thing. It is important to say that sometimes she pays for those extra stuffs, other times I do, but most importantly, we get to spend longer hours. I have also learnt to reduce my complaints so as to have a happy ride to the house, and not as two strangers.

Declaring my allegiance to her majesty

You will be everything but a boss at home- ’Reverse for him now”, “why didn’t you let him go”  “run now” “but you are too fast” these are the things I deal with when we ride together. She knows all the right things to do until she drives, and she wants to run away from the road when she sees a truck. You will carry the heavier load, be the mail man, the operator of generator, executive assistant, chief security officer, the family driver. You will be everything but a boss. In marriage, your patience will be tested, it will be tested repeatedly to the limit- I pray that you come out successful at every time. lol

I learnt That I Could Have Ego Everywhere But Not In This House- She thinks I have a very big ego and I believe that I am smart, this she doesn’t want me to bring anywhere near her. I do not believe I am average, but I do not think I have big ego, but it does not matter, if she believes it, then it is the truth. So, she picks on me at will. I can be talking and she will just say “what did you just say”, then she rushes in to bring her phone, and she has all manner of apps, then she shows me the American pronunciation, then British, then she says “Oga, you still pronounce some words wrongly” At first I used to call her a bitch, then she will laugh and say she prefers “B=I=A=T=C=H” she enjoys those moments I am caught off guard. There is still a major blunder that haunts me in the house till date, she torments me with it daily.

Wifey will buy things I consider irrelevant, but it is none of my business– When I hear stuffs like mizwanneka is doing sales promo, I have learnt to say “ehn-en, Do you want to buy?”

Then she says, “Do you want to me buy?”

I didn’t become this wise overnight. During the initial periods of our marriage, my response would be a sharp “you don’t need it, you have five already, then we would arrive at a stalemate, she could stretch it by saying she had not asked me to pay for it

As a better experienced husband, I have learnt to say “I think you should if you think you need it”

Then she says “I don’t know jare, what do you think?”

I actually don’t want her to buy it but I am guiding the conversation, so I am cautiously encouraging her while giving her pros and cons, and she is very analytical. Eventually she may not. I have found out that we have sweeter conversations with next to nothing purchases that way.

It is written, thou shall be late- Dear aspiring husbands, this is one area where all my friends and I have agreed, your wife will help you arrive at events late. It is when you tell her that you are running late that she will remember she doesn’t have what to wear. Now when she remembers what to wear, make up follows, while she intermittently tells you that “we can’t be the first to arrive na”. Wifey resumes at 8am, I resume at 9am. It is still my responsibility to wake earlier and to keep reminding her that we are running late, when she is eventually ready at 7 30am, she wants me to jump on every car on the road so she can get to the office before 8am.

Mr and Mrs A

I have learnt so many things in the last three months but most importantly, I have learnt she argues, fights, drills down, and when I look through it all, she had nothing to gain from it all, she was just looking out for me

Its three months already, we keep working on this, we keep working for better synergy, for better days!

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About Me

My life’s journey is that of many parts, every day I try to bring all the parts to an agreement, but I am yet to succeed at that, or maybe I shouldn’t even be trying to do it, I really don’t know yet- but while at it, I try to find how each part makes me better, and how each part can make the society better

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